Talking to youth about sexual predators

The phrase "stranger danger" has a convincing ring, but while the thought of a stranger grabbing and harming a child creates a sense of panic, the vast majority of victims of sexual crimes—including the majority of those groomed through the Internet—are committed by someone the victim knows.  Research results from The Internet and Family and Acquaintance Sexual Abuse Study published in 2005 make this very clear:

Instead of teaching fear of strangers, it's more effective to teach that some actions, attitudes, and conversations are never appropriate—whether from a stranger or from a neighbor, Uncle Bob, mommy, daddy, or someone else they know. Knowing in advance how manipulation works, both on the Internet and in the "real" world, and what to expect if a negative experience occurs helps minimize two other key tools of abusers, fear and shame.

Instead of teaching that strangers may not be telling the truth about themselves, teach that even people you know well may not always be upfront about their motives. Discerning the motives behind the actions and words of others is an important life skill that takes lots of practice whether on the Internet or in the real world. (As a side note: Research on predators who have sexually exploited teens (not younger victims) indicates that many are surprisingly honest about wanting a sexual relationship. The deception and manipulation relates more commonly to disguising their motives and feelings.)

• Role playing with age- and situation-appropriate scenarios can help teach predatory motives and tactics and help youth identify warning signs earlier.
• Warn youth to be especially suspicious if the person asks them to keep their behavior, relationship, or gift a secret.

Teach teens that if something sounds or feels wrong, to  trust their own instincts. (This is good advice for adults, too, as threats from predators is not limited to youth.)

• Leave or say no if at all possible. Stress that they don't always have to be nice to others online; instead, teach them not to be mean or rude. There is a clear difference in these two approaches. No one should feel obliged to respond to someone they do not want to interact with.
• Discuss options like blocking the other person, changing account names, or simply not responding if they feel uncomfortable.

If something happens that makes them uncomfortable, ask them to tell someone they trust. Emphasize that they are never at fault, that they will not be blamed or punished for telling, and that they will get help.

Linda